If you give your wife a ratchet strap…

During the entirety of this house build, I have prided myself on being able to do things most girls normally wouldn’t know how to do… from running the little things like an air compressor, to the big things like a skid steer. There is one common household tool though that I have never ever, for the life of me been able to master… those blasted ratchet straps. Am I the only one here? Or are they seriously hard to figure out?

They tangle. They ratchet. They get stuck. I don’t know what the world the inventor of these was thinking when he made them, but surely he could’ve done us wives all a huge favor and thought of an easier way.


About a week ago, I was scheduled to go with my Grandma Lucy to pick up our farmhouse table that grandma had given to us as a wedding gift. Kendall was unable to go along for the ride, so it was going to be up to me and grandma to pick up the table, load it and ensure that it arrives safely back home. My anxiety instantly kicked into high gear at the thought of having to be responsible for such a special load of cargo because I knew that that table’s safety would depend on a ratchet strap.

The night before my solo expedition, I asked Kendall to give me a “tutorial” on how to use a ratchet strap.

I’m sure we have all heard and read the famous children’s book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, by Laura Joffe Numeroff, that tells the tale of all the things that can happen if you give a mouse a cookie. Just in the past weeks I have felt as though I can relate to this age old children’s book, so I’ve created a version of my own. I think I’ll officially call it: If You Give Your Wife a Ratchet Strap.

I’d imagine it’d probably go a little something like this:

If you give your wife a ratchet strap, she is going to be confused and ask for directions.


When you begin to give her the directions on how to use the ratchet strap, she will ask you to repeat the directions over and over again. When you repeat the instructions over and over again, she will tell you that you need to slow down because none of what you’re saying is making any kind of sense.


After ten or so minutes of explaining how to properly secure an object with a ratchet strap and the confusion still lingers, you will begin to question your relationship’s communication skills.


After you silently question your communication skills, you will need to refocus your words and dumb down your instructions even more than you already were doing. Once your directions finally begin to make sense to your wife, her confusion and panic will slowly begin to subside. That confusion will be replaced with a new feeling of hope and independence in her ability to be able to ratchet a farmhouse table solo. There may be hopes for the humanities after all.


If you give your wife a ratchet strap, you will need to make sure that your phone is on the loudest ringtone in case she may need you as she embarks on her journey of ratcheting. You will also be thankful that you put up with her video recording your tutorial, just in case she needed a visual demonstration on scene.

Once you give your wife a ratchet strap, maybe, just maybe, she will surprise you and prove that she actually listened to your instruction and was able to ratchet off her load. Then when she arrives home with her cargo safe and sound, she will bask in a moment of glory because she was able to execute each of your instructions. After she basks in her glory, she will ask you to undo the ratchet strap because she made it too tight and might’ve forgotten already how to loosen it.

If you give your wife a ratchet strap, she will buy more large items for your home since she knows how to at least secure the big loads down and get them safely home. Be mentally prepared when you see that your truck isn’t sitting in the driveway, because you will know that somewhere, out there, your wife has found something to ratchet.

The end.


Call me an idiot, but even after my thorough tutorial, I still think that ratchet straps will forever be my arch nemesis.  Thankfully I have a loving and patient husband that is willing to walk me through this tangled up mess of a process and never gives up on me and my ridiculous endeavors.

So if one day I’m not famous for my blogging, you’ll see my name out there next to some brand of idiot proof ratchet straps.

Our doors are open and you are always welcome…








4 thoughts on “If you give your wife a ratchet strap…

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